


It's a cat’s life out there.

by MagicalGhost96



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Cat perception of his owner and his husband, Cats, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, No beta we kayak like Tim, Peter finds a cat, beholding cat, lonely cat, maybe he is just a regular cat, the cat also hates elias, the cat is mildy evil, this is very self indulgent, well as evil as a cat can be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29416266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalGhost96/pseuds/MagicalGhost96
Summary: Ruminations of the Captain regarding his life with his human, Peter Lukas and his annoying partner Elias Bouchard.Peter finds a kitten and takes it to the Tundra.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	It's a cat’s life out there.

First there were siblings, then he was alone, the humans picked them all out, except for him. He was alone in a box and it was raining. Mewling pathetically hungry and cold he was getting more and more tired.

Until someone picked him up, the human’s hands were big and could pick him up with just one, he tried to scratch him, but had no strength, so it was more like softly hitting his palm. Hearing a sound the one who picked him held him closer and for the first time he felt warm. 

“Mm, let's get you somewhere less wet” He could barely open his eyes, so he could only feel himself being moved somewhere even warmer. He fell asleep.

The human took him somewhere where they moved him a lot and they did something that hurt. Once it was over, the one who took him there lifted him again and left.

Then he was somewhere new. His eyes could open better and he saw a room, the human fed him and cleaned him.

“I think i'm going to call you Captain”

He did not care to know more, he had a bed, food and he was no longer cold.

The man scratched his head and put him in his coat pocket when he left sometimes so he would peak out and see the place. Captain loved to look around now that he could, his human, for that's what he was, was pleased with him and gave him a lot of pats and belly rubs. When they were alone he would play with him and he in return would keep him company by watching.

His human did not like other humans, so he hissed at people when he could from the safety of his hiding spot. However he grew too big and he could no longer fit!!

So he followed.

Captain wanted to see what did his human get up to.

The other people saw him and tried to pet him, but he scratched them, that's until they started to offer him food.

Then he behaved for a while and left for the next one. They all seemed sad and his human looked happy. So he didn't care.

He slept and chased the rats, but didnt feel the need to hunt them, it was more playful than anything, Captain loved to see them run off and hide, sometimes he would chase them somewhere where there wasn't a way out and they threw themselves out. 

Peter shook his head at him in his perch at the top of the dresser.

“I thought you would hunt the vermin you slob” Mewing he reaches with a paw at him and after a moment he grabs it.

“Fluffy monstrosity”

His human picks him up sometimes during the night and takes him out with the rest to wait on the little floating things. Captain watches and sees something wispy in the big floating thing so he paws at the air but nothing happens and Peter ignores him to look instead.

He lightly bites him and he scratches his head.

Better.

So, Captain hunts, but not rats, no. He wants his human happiness, so instead he lures out the lesser ones. He walks and waits and _sees._ There are humans who look at him and take him to their rooms to talk with and play, humans who aren't quiet and smell like the fog like his person.

Captain doesn't know why he suddenly knows more things, why he can tell which ones don't like when he stares at them and which ones are crumbling with the fog. He only knows that he picks them to give them to his person like a present. 

Making them talk while they are in the eating room and he can feel his human's eyes on him and he can tell he knows.

Next time they go out to wait in the floating things Peter lets him drape himself over his shoulders.

Captain loves his person!! So sits on his chest while he is in bed and purrs making him huff a laugh. Then he stares at him and slowly blinks to let him know how much he loves him. Peter doesn't get it, but it's ok, he knows what he is doing. So he sleeps in the bed with him instead of his own. The man is not as mad as he wants him to think.

He gets his ears scratched and even if Captain thinks he dreamed it a kiss on top of his head. He feels safe and loved, he never wants to go back to before when Peter found him, to be scared and lost.

Things go well, until they reach ground. Thay have done it before, but this time his human takes him somewhere.

A new place, it smells… weird, not like the salt and water he grew used to. Nothing like his home. This place smelled like… paper and flowers. Once Peter let him out he run off to look for the highest spot to watch.

The Bookshelf it is, so he climbed to the top and oversaw the room.

His person was walking around mumbling and moving stuff somewhere else, the sound was familiar but also not, his human did not make so much fuzz back home, but he grew comfortable with it and fell asleep on his new spot.

There was another one.

When he woke up there was another person. This one smaller than his, he was talking to him in a mean tone, and Captain didn't like it. He thought Peter would disappear him, but instead he got closer and closer and-

They bumped heads, they did it a few times and the other eventually calmed and sat to eat. Feeling hungry himself he quietly got down and went to get his own food.

He jumped on the table.

The short one yelled, his person laughed. 

“Hungry you fluffy monster?” He meows and paws at him, the angry one asks questions and Peter goes to get him his plate and food so he jumps down and runs to get it.

“A cat?! Why did you bring a cat, Peter-!”

“He is going to be staying this time around, so could you look after him?” 

He eats and ignores them.

“Why…?”

“.... The crew is getting too attached, i need to have him out for a while, then i can take him off from your hands”

“Are you sure its the crew and not-”

“Elias..”

There is silence, Captain finishes his food and goes to rub himself against his person!

“Peter”

“Shut up”

Captain learns that he doesn't like this new person, he smells weird and there is something wrong with him, but he can't tell what it is and it's bothering him. So he hisses at him and tries to scratch him if he gets closer.

“Your cat hates me”

“I hardly think the Captain can hate you, he is the laziest and friendliest cat”

Captain hates this person, this “Elias”

He spends time with his human and takes his attention away from him. At night he won't let him sleep with Peter, so he scratches the couch.

“Peter i swear to god-”

“I will get him a scratching post i swear”

He gets a tower.

The tallest tower to climb and Captain loves it. From there he can observe the entire room, he can also scratch it and bite it and Peter laughs.

“Did you have to get a plate and name it the Panopticon?”

“Yes, yes i did Elias”

He bites the little flag with a skull that is at the top and meows happily.

Captain stares at him and Elias stares back.

Neither had blinked in a while.

“Are you- are you having a staring contest with the cat?? Elias?” The man blinks first and Captain feels something he doesn't know how to name.

“There is something very wrong with it, look at it! That's the smuggest cat i have ever seen”

“... Elias all cats look like little smug bastards. Reminds me of someone i know actually…” The man’s face does something and it turns red, he looks elsewhere and his human goes to the chair he was sitting and touches his face with his hands pushing them together to bump their mouths.

Why do they keep doing that?

Kiss is the term that comes to his mind uninvited, sometimes he gets this flashes that he doesnt get, but he doesn care about it now. He wants Peter to pay attention to him and not the weird smelling human!!

So he prepares and jumps to his back to climb to his shoulders while he is leaning down.

There was a lot of yelling involved.

They stay there and Captain is getting used to it, but he misses terrorizing the rats and picking the lesser humans. He wonders when they are going back so he doesnt have to see the stupid human again.

There comes a day where he was laying on the couch taking a nap and woke to his person walking with his bag like the day they came. Happily he gets down and goes to follow. Peter stops and gets down to give him scritches.

“Sorry, but i'm going alone this time, you have to stay with Elias and behave ok? Be a good kitty Captain” He doesn't understand, so he licks his hand and nuzzles him.

He sees him smile at him, but not his usual happy ones. He gets up and goes to the door and he follows.

“No, stay inside. Be good” He is always good for him!!

He tries to get him to take him, but he pushes him back instead and quickly closes the door.

Captain is alone at the new place. Maybe his person went to leave the stuff first and is coming back later for him? Yes that must be it. So feeling much better with that he goes to drink and play with his toys. 

The door opens much, much later and he runs to it quickly, but its not his human, its the other one, so he hisses.

“Great he left already and you are still here, just great, god dammit Peter. This is why you don't get pets”

The man feeds him, changes his water and cleans his box, even if he curses while he does it. But Captain only cares for the door, he climbs the tower and stays there since he can see the entrance very well from there.

He stops eating and just waits.

The other human tries to get him down.

“Look if you die while he is out, we are going to get a divorce and its been the longest we have been together without an incident so for the love of god get down and eat, you furball!!”

He hisses and tries to scratch him, but he eventually manages to win and get him down, so he fights it.

“Just eat and you can go back to sulk!!”

They end up both sitting on the floor, with Elias' arms scratched and bandaged and him eating from the bowl that is now at the bottom of the tower.

“You bastard”

He eats and flicks his tail at him.

Peter doesn't come back.

Did he… did he not want him anymore?

Did he not get him enough lesser humans?

He stays there and eats just half of his food, Captain just lays around and doesn't move.

Elias looks exasperated.

“Can cats get depressed? Is that a thing?? C'mon you little monster c'mon try to catch this” He moves something that jingles and looks feathery, but he just closes his eyes.

“God dammit”

One day, while Elias is out Captain stares through the window of the balcony basking on the sun. He was watching the people move around when suddenly there is a black spot staring at him.

Another cat is watching him.

He paws the glass.

The other stares.

Captain is curious, he hasn't been in a long while.

He misses his person terribly and hates the new human. So he looks at this one and thinks.

Getting up he prepares and jumps, to try and unlock the sliding glass doors. It takes a few attempts, but he hears the click. The other one remains in place and looks at him with its only eye. With some effort he manages to slowly push the door open, little by little until he can move through it. The other cat gets up and comes inside.

He tries to approach but they hiss at him, they move and he goes to his half eaten bowl of food, soon they get close and after sniffing they eat the remaining half. They sit and stare, Captain picks one of the mouse toys and pushes it close.

The cat looks at it and kicks it. He watches it and goes to retrieve it.

….

They start to throw it for the other to catch.

Eventually the cat leaves and he pushes the sliding door to close.

It becomes a routine. Cat comes everyday and he leaves her half of his food and they play. She never lets him get close, but it's ok! It makes it less lonely to be there.

Slowly she started to gain some weight since she was pretty bony.

Cat had a scratched missing eye, part of her ear was cut and she was skinny and tall, while he was more fluffy and chubby. He really liked playing with cat even if she was aloof.

She started to even take naps on his tower, close to the lower levels instead of the top.

One day she stays too long and the man comes back to the two of them playing.

They all freeze.

“How-! Out, OUT!” Cat doesn't move and stares at him, her blue eye remains on Elias.

“Get out, I don't know how you managed…. the balcony really??” Cat moves but instead she approaches the man who looked really mad and-

She rubs herself against him while purring.

Elias stops and Captain mewls indignant. He is the worst!! Why is Cat playing nice with him??

“I cant keep another cat, i _can't-_ ”

Cat stays.

Albeit he names her Duchess.

She wont let him get close, but she loves Elias which is unfair.

Whenever the man is in the room she will jump to him and rub herself against him waiting for pets and when he hesitantly does, she purrs. He can see him smile.

Cat or well Dutchess plays with him, but hisses and bites if he tries to get close.

Elias takes her somewhere one day and he is worried that he might have dropped her somewhere else, but instead he comes back with Duchess wearing a collar.

“At least now you wont get sick and there isn't anything wrong”

She startles the man a lot. Captain knows she disappears in a cloud sometimes, when Elias is close she always appears back and spends time with him.

When he works reading stuff she goes and sits on his lap, otherwise she is always laying around him letting him pet her whenever he feels like it. He can see him slowly warming up to Cat and give her belly rubs, Plus he gives her more food.

“Too skinny, should i get something for it..?” He misses being petted and having someone scratch his back. 

Captain misses Peter, soon he hides on top of the tower again and starts to eat less food again. Was he really that bad of a cat? Eventually he starts to cause messes out of frustration, which causes Elias to yell at him while Duchess watches.

He cries out and starts to scratch the door.

“He is not coming back! He left you because he loves you, because he is a bastard that can't keep anything!” 

Captain knows he won't take him back, even if he does come back to this place he will leave him here again. 

“He always leaves you behind…” Elias sits on the couch and Cat goes to lay on his lap while he closes his eyes defeated.

Elias plays with Duchess and tries to play with him, throwing toys, making a red dot appear on the wall. The last one actually managed to get him up.

Where did the dot come from? Why cant he catch it???

Its when he flops to the floor in a jump that the man actually laughs and he turns to look at him, he looks… happy.

Captain feels warm, like when he made Peter laugh back home.

No.

Humans are bad, they leave you and Elias is weird.

He tires of chasing the dot and goes to sleep instead, Duchess keeps trying for a while longer. Captain falls asleep to the sound of chuckling and meowing and dreams home but they are all of them there.

Peter comes back eventually.

Captain is hiding under the couch, it became his new favourite place. Elias never checks for him there and Duchess never approaches him directly so he can be left to his own.

He hears the door open and sees a pair of boots that he recognizes. He stays in place.

Duchess however comes out and Peter lets out a confused sound.

“Captain?” Curling up he ignores him.

She circles his per-

The human and after sniffing at him a little goes away to the tower.

Hearing him move and call out his name, makes him want to go out, but he was bad, wasn't he? He was too friendly and his human didn't want him anymore. So he will be better.

He sees him walk back and forth and start to speak.

“Elias where is the Captain? Also where did the other cat come from, its looking at me wrong” He taps his foot.

“I already checked!! But he isn't in any of his spots”

“.... why would he be-?”

“Fine i will check” The feet approach the couch and after a few seconds he sees him lie down and look at him.

“Captain? Cmon kitty, cmon” Peter tries to grab him so he hisses at him and tries to bite him.

“Shit!”

“Elias what is wrong with him??”

He is talking to the square shiny thing and he can barely hear the other human.

“What do you mean depressed, its a cat”

After a while he gets tired and scampers off, startling him. He goes to hide under the bed instead. No matter what Peter tries he refuses to come out.

Elias comes back and they start to fight. The man comes to the room.

“He is finally here and now you decided to be even more difficult?”

Its not until he gets hungry that he goes out.

Peter is talking with the shorter man, while he goes to quickly eat something, Duchess is sitting there eating out of her own bowl so he has to wait less he gets bitten.

The humans stop talking, but don't approach, when Cat finishes she lazily moves out and he goes to eat. Once done he climbs the tower and turns his back to the room.

Captain doesn't get anywhere near either human and actively bites and scratches if they try, well at Peter actually, Elias already learned his lesson.

“Has he been like this the entire time?”

“Yes i'm telling you, he has been nothing but grumpy and morose. He would just wait next to the door and cry for hours. Eventually he stopped, probably realized you weren't coming back any time soon”

So that's how he spends his days, ignoring everyone, even Duchess.

“Hey kitty, pspspsps come on-! I got you your favourite treat” He flickers his tail back and forth and curls up even more.

“Should i hire someone to look at him?”

“Peter… i really dont think its going to help much”

The humans fight.

Usually its short and after a while they sort of come back together, but this time it was bad. Duchess hid herself under the couch and he watched from the top of the tower.

The screaming match ended with Peter storming off and Elias throwing a glass against the wall. He cleaned it and looked miserable. He saw Duchess go out and he thought she was going to cheer up her human, but instead she went to the open balcony door and left.

It was just them.

The others left them again.

Elias was sad, it was obvious, Captain was too.

He recalls all the warm moments spent with his person back home and feels so, so sad. It used to make him happy, but now it's just sad.

So even if he thinks he is weird, he slowly approaches him.

“What, came to take out my arm again you stupid-” He licks him.

“That feels like sandpaper...... why” He can't answer, he only knows that they both miss their Person, and that he left them both, Dutchess too. Both the lonely man and cat left them behind.

So he does the only thing he can and starts to lick him and nuzzle his hand. 

“I hope this is not a trick, I will be really mad otherwise” He rubs his belly and after a while he purrs contently. It had been so long since anyone played with him.

“I cant believe the cat pities me” He looks at him and he stares back, slowly he blinks.

“What are you-” He looks confused and his face suddenly makes a funny expression before looking very, very amused.

“Really? You hate me all these months but now you-” He grabs his hand with his paws and puts it back in his tummy.

“... Greedy”

At night neither cat or man have come back. Elias gets in the bed and after a while he jumps in.

“No, no, we might be on better terms but you aren't sleeping here” He climbs on top of him and purrs.

“Im not-”

He licks his cheek and he sighs and pets him more.

“You little bastard” He buts his head against his.

Captain curls up next to him in the end, his…. other person, after turning on the bed several times sighs and looks at him, he slowly caresses him and he sort of hugs him against him.

“Im hugging a cat in bed, instead of my husband, because he is an idiot, god what have i come to”

He falls asleep hearing the beating of his heart.

Captain wakes, but doesn’t open his eyes, he hears hushed voices that he recognizes.

“... You are a bloody idiot. I thought you were ditching why did you-”

“The cat followed me”

“.... Duchess?”

“Yeah, she is fine by the way, she started to bite my pants and try to pull me back. When i tried to push her off she actually bit me”

“Heh, smart girl”

There is silence.

“I'm sorry”

“...”

“I love you”

“...Get in the bed”

He hears a sigh and after some minutes he feels the bed move. His new person moves and a hand much bigger carefully touches him.

"Love you too"

“....I'm glad you are getting along” He feels Elias shift a little and ask with an incredulous tone.

“Are you jealous?”

“No!”

“Peter… i really do think…” He lets out a breath and Captain curls up “I think he is trying to be less friendly so you will take him back” The hand that is petting him stops.

“How could you possibly..”

“Clever cat, i never considered that he could-…. regardless he is much smarter than he should”

“... Your cat went to retrieve me from the lonely”

“Oh” Petting resumes.

“So we both got supernatural cats huh”

“... He reminded me of you a little, the eyes mostly, plus he was way to curious and loved to watch the crew”

“Likewise about Duchess”

They keep talking and he is tired and wants to sleep, the petting is nice, but they are both loud. So with a yawn he moves and starts to get up.

Peter looks at him tiredly. Captain… hesitates.

Elias however picks him up and puts him in the middle. There he looks at him and bumps his head before likcking his nose, making him scrunch it up.

“Hey kitty” He meows and purrs, he really missed him.

I love you, he thinks, i love you, i love you, i miss you.

Love.love.lonely.sad,lost,sad,warm,happy,sad.

He hears him take a breath.

“Peter-?!”

“He is- he is projecting his -” His new person touches him.

Sad,sad,lonely,scared,soft,love,mine,mine,love.

“Oh-” He gets tired and jumps out from between them.

In the living room there is Duchess waiting, he goes to sleep on the boat-shaped bed when she drops next to him and starts to lick him.

Happy!!! He reciprocates and she lets him, soon they curl up in bed.

Captain gets to go with Peter this time. He misses Duchess and his other person, but he knows that he will go back to them. 

Part of the year he stays with them and the other with his favourite human. Albeit Elias took him once to work and he managed to terrorize a bunch of people for him so maybe he can be in second place.

Regardless, he has his kingdom to rule.

And a lot of lesser humans to pick apart and feed his person with.

  
  


They kept their routine for a long time, Peter had come back after Captain had stayed with Elias and Duchess for a few months. While the men were away to have “dinner” he took time to steal all the warm clothes he could for Cat, who kept nuzzling him.

When his humans came there were three kittens for them to see.

“God dammit” Captain and Duchess both pick one and present them to their rightful person. Peter grabs the small black and white one who makes a tiny sound of protest.

Elias hesitantly does the same with the white one.

“Guess you owe me, she wasn't fat after all”

“Oh hush you damp fool” Cat rubs herself tiredly to Elias who goes to sit down and picks her up.

“You are both getting spayed after this” She meows.

Captain goes for their last kitten and offers it to Peter who is already playing with the one in his hand.

“Reminds me of when i found him”

“We can't keep them”

“Mm” His person is softly petting his kittens and Captain goes to climb him and drape himself over his shoulders to look.

“Peter i mean it, i'm not going to keep more cats”

“Aren't they cute…”

“I swear to the eye-!”

They keep the black and white one, Elias takes it to be the official institute's pet. He names her Empress, his human wanted to name her Socks for the white spots on her feet.

“We are not naming her socks!”

“...Empress Socks?”

“.... I hate you”

The name sticks.

The other two are given away. One to an old man that smells like before there is a storm.

“Oh I like this one Peter, it's cute! Does it have a name already?”

“No, no, Elias said i shouldn't give him one” He is petting the baby while Captain nuzzles him.

“Mm, makes it harder to give away. You must be loving this” Peter shrugs and Captain licks his kitty before letting the man pick him up.

“Mmm, how about… Nimbus? Yes you are white and fluffy like a cloud it's perfect”

“Look after him Simon”

“Of course my boy! Say hello to the husband for me!”

The final one was given to a tall man, even taller than his person!!!

The mostly brown kitten was pawing at the fingers of the giant human who looked very amused and laughed. Captain….

Captain liked him.

He wasn't a lesser human like the rest. 

“Can't believe you are giving me a cat, i have a very dangerous work Peter, not sure it would be wise to bring him alone the ship”

“It could come in handy to chase any vermin that sneaks in..?” He is perched over his human shoulders watching the man. His kitty starts to purr at the tallest of the two.

“If you don't want it I can maybe offer it to Thaddeus-” The man quickly holds the kitty closer to his chest.

“No, back off, I'm keeping him” Peter raises his hands and looks elsewhere.

“Fine by me. Well that was all, im going soon so good luck with the cat”

“Likewise, goodbye Peter”

Last thing he sees before the fog swallows them is the man softly cooing at his kitten.

Captain is happy with his family.

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to make a fic with Peter and cats, i had too.  
> Leave me a comment if you liked it! They really make my day <3


End file.
